Jun 20 04 - 8:13 AM
This is were it gets really weird for the first time. It’s been so strange that parts of it faded or I can not place in the right time order. The part that I’m going to tell now I’m not sure that it happened before the other things but as far as I can remember it is.
My dreams became so real you would not believe. I watched Lord of the Rings II in the cinema that was somewhere in December. I wrote about that movie on 11:11.tv.
The amount of violence in that movie was staggering or it was just because I changed. I could not believe how much is considered to me “normal” violence in the battle for good against evil. I also stated on 11-11.tv that in our world it’s not a battle between good and evil and still we manage to be bloody murderers all in the name of “good”.
Somewhere in January my brother invited me and my sister to come over and watch Lord of the Rings III. At that point I had dreams and coincidences that made me balance on the border between reality and fiction. I had a CD with me that I wanted to give my brother Lateralus from Tool.
This CD I listened to at home and I cried while listening. What I felt was that this CD was telling the story to come destruction of the world and the coming of a new world.
I gave the CD to my brother did not listen to it but started to watch the movie.
During this movie I began to identify with it. Reality fiction mixed in with this movie of Good against Evil. It really screwed me up that evening. At the end of the movie I asked the CD back from my brother because I felt it to be bad to give it to him. This movie had scared me oversensitive from probably psychoses it really bothered me.
I don’t know anymore if it was the next day or not but I remember I called my sister. I told her to lock me up because I could see the future. I could see the destruction of the world coming part of it was me seeing it. In my world it was best for me not to interact with the world because everything I did was mixed in the outcome how the world would become.
I was scared……really scared. My sister of cause could not say to me ok I lock you up so the phone call ended me mentioning that I was really scared for the coming night.
At night something happened that I never told anybody in detail. I could not sleep then it came as I was expecting. I could hear ambulances everywhere that’s how I remember it I could hear the “shit” that was going on in the world from my own bedroom.
So many sounds it totally gave me chills full of fear. Fear that this would be my destiny to hear all that “shit” and still having to go on with my life. I remember sending a email to Michael asking him to light a candle for me that’s how f-cking scared I was. A little while later it stopped. I was so happy that it was gone and convinced that Michael helped it to go away.
The next thing that happened was probably the next night or so can’t remember. It was as if it was shown to me the re-creation of the universe. It’s very hard to describe imagine that the universe is being re-created through you. Everything that happens in the process goes through you. As if you were a link between God and the universe. The first part was the destruction / fading of all to nothing. Then re-creation started because I was the link God created through me using me for his creation. I would feel see hear everything while God was creating again. Even singing God loved to create.
But something was wrong me I was linked between God and his creation. Every time God began over with his creation. My body was shaking all over lights flew through me that’s how it felt God explained these were spirits flying through my body during creation.
If I look back now I sometimes wonder if I had epileptic attack or something.
At some point I called out to God to stop big read stop sign God stop please. I told him that I was in the loop of his creation and it wasn’t working.
I discussed this with God and the outcome was that God could not disconnect from me. I asked and what if I was dead could you re-create then. God said yes. I talked with God about it and said well just cut me out of the loop then. Using me during his re-creation I found not to good an idea anyway. But I want to say goodbye to my family and take care of that. God asked how much time I needed. We came at seven days I had seven days the time to say goodbye to everyone.
And that is what I did. Except I only said Goodbye to some forum members. The other goodbye’s I wrote down I could not tell them that I would die in seven days. Days went by and during this time I talked with God. When the date passed that I would die I asked God why I was still alive but it was a mystery every time God was teaching me that is what came out of our talks.
I’ll stop again for now. I know this all sounds incredible weird. Because it’s sounds like that to me now. But at the time it was real. Don’t ever think that you know all that you have great wisdom that nothing would surprise you anymore. That what I experienced was so real and so close to me it was me. I’ll just blame it all on psychoses again that’s easy and more comfortable to post it like that. But I can’t because it did not feel like that it was all just electric impulses in the brain as some people would say.
Jun 21st 2004 - 4:26 PM
Re: history of me II Hi Mark ~
Thank you for trusting so much of yourself with us. I feel privileged.
I agree with Jenna's observation that you seem very intuitive to me. I think so many people have become desensitized to the ugliness around them that it's refreshing to meet someone who is not. I know that it is a painful thing but I've found that I grow more when I step outside my comfort zone.
Donna